Friday, January 04, 2008

How My Parents Killed My High School Dating Life

My parents were smart. They knew if I was cool that it would get me into trouble with the ladies. For that particular reason, they decided that the only car my sister and I could drive in High School was a Ford Minivan. The plan worked.

No 16-18 year old girl in her right mind wants to be seen in a minivan. The uncoolest of the uncool mobiles, second only to a moped. I suspect that every date was doomed to fail as soon as I drove up in that thing.

"Hey, get in. Lets go. Wait... What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she would say with a sigh.

In hindsight, it wasn't nothing. She was already reasonably sure that I sucked. If she wasn't sure, her mind was made up the next time I pulled up to her house in the nerd wagon.

Needless to say, I rarely ever got past 3 dates. Sure the minivan was roomy. It sat seven, was somewhat new, and drove great. But it was impossible to convince any girl that I was cool for driving it.

It took me awhile, but I figured out that I was better off saying I had no transportation. At least that had some dignity. Sure. It sounded pathetic, but it was more of a parental blemish than a reflection on my lameness.

This combat technique fared better. I dated this one girl for almost a month. In hindsight, she wasn't all that, but it proved the theory that no car was better than a minivan.

Perhaps if I was more charismatic, I could have overcome the minivan factor. But, it's hard to muster confidence in high school with the raging hormones, popularity, awkwardness, pimples, peer pressure, teasing, etc.. High school sucks and the insecurities can make it downright hell.

In retrospect I have no regrets. The minivan factor may have killed high school dating, but it also prevented me from f*cking up royally. Sure. I was probably awkward for years, because of it (Not dating much in high school screwed up college dating too.).

But in the end though, I figured it out. Enough so to be married to a pretty awesome woman. And it's good not to have too many lingering mistakes or regrets following me around like a noose around my neck.

All in all, the minivan factor was a well employed parental maneuver. The only drawback was that it worked better on me than my sister. She could always insist the guy pick her up. Even in that case, my parents still won out. Hey... gas is expensive and car parked at home can't get into an accident.

It's 100% brilliant. So brilliant that I plan on utilizing myself if I ever have a teenage. I can't wait until my kid asks if he can drive the Mustang.

"No, son. You can only drive the (insert minivan here)."

The look on his face will be picture worthy. Hell, I might even send a copy off to my parents.

Is this mean? Sure. Of course. 100%. But, then again Life is Crap. Handicapping a teenager's dating life might be better than giving them the tools to become the class Casanova. Sure. It isn't foolproof or a substitute for good parenting. But, it works.

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Blogger Stealth said...

That would never have worked on me. I would have been soooo popular with a minivan everyone could fit in.

My friends would have all wanted to get wasted and pile in without worrying about having to drive.

I just know it. And/or the back part would have turned into a makeshift hotel.

*bom chicka waa waa*

1/04/2008 01:48:00 PM  

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