Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Mayor McCheese (America's Tastiest Mayor)

Rudolph Giuliani has claimed to be America's Mayor. Many disagree. There is no denying that Giuliani was a mayor of a major United State's city; But America's mayor? What about beloved hip hop Detroit mayor, Kilpatrick Kwame? How is he less American than Giuliani? Can only a Republican candidate be American?
Mayor McCheese: Delicious, Nutritious, and Carnivorous

We could debate the merits of Giuliani's pronouncement until the cows come home. There is one mayor whose claim to fame can't be denied by either side of the aisle.

Enter America's Tastiest Mayor, Mayor McCheese. Mayor McCheese lords over the peasants of McDonaldland with an iron fist. Mayor McCheese's prestigious record has won him election after election going back to 1971. His platform is simplistic: fight crime, keep the dwellers satisfied, and the McFood production sector rolling.

Since becoming mayor, Apple pie Tree Grove, Thick Shake Volcanoes, Hamburger Patch, and Filet-o-Fish Lake food production has increased by 10% every year. Hamburger related theft has dropped by 10% annually since the introduction of the cherished Hamburgalar Food Stamp act of 1978. Filet-o-Fish theft has also become non-existent.

The media has done it's best to tarnish the good mayor's record; Calling him incompetent and frequently showing clips of him bumbling a speech or failing to capture the Hamburgalar.

It's true that the Mayor was never much with words. Shit happens when your brain consists of pickles, cheese, and scraps of onions. In all fairness, it is a miracle that the guy hasn't eaten himself to death.

Even though there is no education system in McDonaldland (According to the mayor: Reading is optional; Math is for wimps; Science is flimsy.), obesity is high (60% of McDonaldland inhabitants are morbidly obsessed), and Filet-o-Fish Lake is contaminated with heavy mercury, there has been many accomplishments.

Grimace used to be a shake stealing criminal until he got arm reduction surgery (Lost 2 arms.) based on the Mayor's advice. Since the mayor opened McDonaldland airport, the number of broken windows due to Birdie the Early Bird's erratic flying patterns has dropped to zero. The availability of Filet-o-Fish sandwiches has exploded since Big Mac (Chief of Police) captured Captain Crook.

The media's attacks failed. McDonaldland voters have resoundingly voted in their mayor by a margin of 107 to 1. The only dissenting vote coming from a disgruntled Hamburgalar.

Some critics claim that Mayor McCheese simply bought off his constituents with offers of free french fries, hamburgers, shakes, and chick nuggets. I say of course he did. He's a good politician who knows just what it takes to win. Also no one ever runs against the mayor; Probably because they don't know that they could. I guess democracy doesn't work too well when your school system only consists of grades K through 2.

I believe Mayor McCheese's levelheaded and selfless policies are just what this great nation needs right now. After all the mudslinging, fear-mongering, and incompetence, we need someone different. Someone with pickles for brains. Someone who makes our mouth water. Someone who believes anyone can be bought off with free food and low taxes at the expense of our health and education system. Someone who is so uniquely American that he makes the other candidates look like wankers.

Next November, I'm voting for Mayor McCheese. He's a man with a vision; A tasty vision. Maybe just maybe we can all go back to being the self-absorbed smiling obese dumb asses we were prior to this 9/11. That's the America I want. Mayor McCheese can get us there.

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