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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Larry Craig Interview

Even though nobody comes to this blog, we have somehow secured an interview with the esteemed Senator from Idaho, Larry Craig. Currently Craig is taking a wide stance against allegations that he propositioned for gay sex in a Minneapolis Airport restroom.
Senator Craig: Changing the way we perceive airport bathrooms.

Mike K: "Senator, why are you here?"

L Craig: "I'm taking my case to the internets. I want it to be known that to my knowledge I did not tap my foot with the guy in the stall next to mine."

Mike K: "So you might have tapped?"

L Craig: "Yes. It's possible. I'm wide. I take a wide stance. I didn't feel it. To my knowledge I didn't tap. If I did tap, to my knowledge I didn't feel it."

Mike K: "Wouldn't you have to take a very wide stance to tap the guy's foot next to you?"

L Craig: "I'm wide. Very wide. To my knowledge it's possible for me to take that wide of a stance."

Mike K: "What about the left handed palms up motion? Supposedly this gestures 'bring it on' in the gay community.

L Craig: "Simply not true. To my knowledge I was picking up toilet paper that was attached to my shoe."

Mike K: "Palms up?"

L Craig: "Is there only one right way to pick up toilet paper?"

Mike K: "With your left hand? That seems suspicious because this gesture was performed on the right side of your body."

L Craig: "Yeah. To my knowledge I do that sometimes. Hasn't everyone?"

Mike K: "No. What was your reaction when you were arrested?"

L Craig: "I was upset. That never happened before. I often get toilet paper attached to my shoe in the toilet stall. To my knowledge I didn't know you could be arrested for it."

Mike K: "I see. And the political fallout?"

L Craig: "Gladiator politics. Men fighting each other shirtless with sweat dripping all over their semi-naked hairy well tanned chests. Fighting to the death. It's naughty. So naughty. Sometimes it feels right, but it is naughty."

Mike K: "Not gay, huh?"

L Craig: "Inconceivable. In Idaho we don't have gays like in your states. If there is a gay man I wish that you would bring him to my office for consoling. I'm not gay because I live in Idaho. To my knowledge there are no gays in Idaho."

Mike K: "OK. So what happened with Mitt Romney. You were a part of his campaign."

L Craig: "He threw me under the bus. Under the bus!"

Mike K: "How will this affect your barbershop quartet group, 'The Singing Senators?'"

L Craig: "Oddly we just received an invitation to perform for the Log Cabin Republicans at their pre-election assembly. I like that organization. Full of very delightful, successful, and attractive young men."

Mike K: "I thought that was a... Oh never mind. Are you attracted to men?"

L Craig: "Yes, but not physically. Let me clarify. I am attracted to the ideas of some men. Men who are conservative of course. The ideas are attractive. Not the men."

Mike K: "Lets go back to the Congressional Page Scandal in the early 1980s."

L Craig: "Yes."

Mike K: "You called a press conference and make a statement that you did not have sex with any pages."

L Craig: "Yes."

Mike K: "Why?"

L Craig: "To my knowledge I didn't. I want people in Idaho to know I didn't. A reporter asked me if I did after the press conference. I didn't. I took a stance."

Mike K: "You got married soon afterwards to a woman with 3 kids."

L Craig: "Yes."

Mike K: "Some people might think that was suspicious. Were you covering something up?"

L Craig: "No. I love that woman. She's the Milli to my Vanilli. The Andrew Ridgeley to my George Michael. The Brian to my Stewie."

Mike K: "Why didn't you tell your wife about the arrest right after it happened? Why did you wait until the press got wind of the story?"

L Craig: "I wrestled with it. I did. Slow and hard. Long and deep. I wrestled."

Mike K: "OK. I think we all heard enough. Good luck to you Senator. Thank you for talking us. I guess."

To his knowledge Larry Craig states that the above interview was 100% fabricated.

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