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Monday, July 24, 2006

Hendry to Keep Pitchers in Mylar

After all of the injuries the Chicago Cubs have suffered to their pitching staff in the last few years, General Manager Jim Hendry has seen enough. To protect his millions in investments, Hendry has decided to store each of his pitchers in mylar. "Think about it. If Kerry Wood was kept in mylar he may not have had the multitude of arm injuries we've seen over the years. Just this year alone he cost us $13 million for just one win. But if I had kept him in mylar so far this year, we could have traded him before July 31st for a boatload of prospects. Instead, the best offer we've received is a copy of The Simpson episode with Roger Clemens. If they are willing to take our 4 million "We've Got Wood" T-shirts then we'll have a deal."

Hendry says the idea came to him just this week, as rookie pitchers Sean Marshall and Carlos Marmol both suffered injuries in back to back games. "Ultimately, Sean Marshall will be more valuable to us in an oxygen free bag that will prevent him from getting ruined. Just the other day we let him out and he hurt his oblique muscle. And that's how it starts. An oblique muscle today and the next thing you know his arm falls off while pitching in a major league game like Chad Fox last year. I prefer to keep my prospects in mint condition and trade them when the timing is optimal."

When asked who would pitch, Hendry said that was easy. "We'll just have to rely on the rubber arm of Glendon Rusch. That guy is amazing, just completely incredible. He's kinda like a superhero - I mean one moment he's a starter and then he's a reliever and then he's a starter and then he's a reliever. He has a real sense of mystery. Every time you think you have him figured out he'll do something that will surprise you. Sure, he can't seem to get anyone out. But that's not what the Cubs are about. The Cubs are about filling up Wrigley Field and playing for next year."

In shocking news, Hendry informed us that the Cubs have placed Mark Prior on the 30 day DL for pulling every muscle in his body while being transported into the mylar casing.

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