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Thursday, June 15, 2006

Dusty Doesn't Get Birthday Wish


The biggest proponent of the double switch, Chicago Cubs manager Dusty Baker, turned 57 today. To his surprise, he is still the manager of the Chicago Cubs though. "Dude, I just don't know man." Dusty informed us today. "I mean, things just happen I guess that's out of all of our controls. But I know I blew out all those candles. And yet I wasn't fired, which was my birthday wish. Dude, maybe I should just resign. But that's a lot of scratch I'd be giving up. You'd think after I kept playing Perez over Walk or continually turn to Ohman off the bench. I mean, there's not much more I can do. Today, I pinch hit Cedeno with Mabry. That's right, dude. I put Cedeno and his .296 batting average on the bench in favor of washed up John Mabry and his .216 batting average. In fact, I had to wake Mabry up from a nap to get him to pinch hit. I just don't know anymore. At least Prior's about to come back. Maybe his arm will explode and they'll blame me. I just don't know dude. Hey, have you ever played second base before?"

Sadly, I played shortstop and third.

Calls to the Tribune Company were not returned. But I have it on very good authority that the people in charge were unaware that the Cubs were playing today or what their current record is. It seems they're preoccupied with swimming in a pile of cash.

Life is Crap is currently planning a fundraising event to help out the Cubs. It will be sorta like the fireman boot thing except I will be standing at intersections with a Cubs helmet. Donations will be used to provide some essential tools the Cubs are lacking - a book of the rules of the game of baseball, the players guide for every MLB team including the Cubs, Baseball for Dummies, a handwritten explanation of the positions in baseball highlighting that only 1 second baseman can play at a given time so it's probably not wise to carry 5 second basemen on your team, and the set of Tom Emanski training videos.

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