Friday, June 09, 2006

Dear Mr NSA Spy

Dear Mr NSA Spy,

Given today's incredulous news that Specter (unfortunately not deranged Phil) not only wants to give Bush and the idiot patrol amnesty for their spying on American citizens without a warrant, he wants to make the warrant an option. Truly ridiculous, unconstitutional - sometimes I think I'm in a Truman Show movie where everyone else is in on the joke. Seriously, we have to debate whether the government needs to request a warrant to spy on Americans? And we have to be legitimately worried that it will pass? And now comes word the government wants to spy on MySpace along with ISP's records.

These are the same guys who couldn't interpret a memo detailing bin Laden's intent to use planes to fly into buildings as a clue that bin Laden and Al Quaeda were planning to fly planes into buildings. There solution - obtain 5000% more data. So in times like this the only thing that saves me is laughter - truly the best medicine. Below is my short story with the following buzzwords - Specter, Al Quaeda, al Zarqawi, 9/11, Constitution, elevated, duct tape, Bush, USA, spying, blown up, terrorists, hijack, Mohammed, Koran, Islam. It kinda writes itself...

Koran had lived a full life, so she wasn't going to complain. Her elevated blood pressure had threatened to confine her inside the house for this year's apple festival in her adopted hometown of Constitution, Montana. But she also wasn't willing to allow this condition to hijack her favorite day of the year. For nothing says USA like apple pie; and nothing says Constitution, MT like Koran al Zarqawi's apple pie. What would the children think if she didn't arrive? Better yet, what would Islam Specter, all 104 years of him, think?

So Koran decided she would go against Dr Mohammed's advice and make the best apple pies she's ever made. For if she didn't, wouldn't that mean the terrorists had won? And Koran al Zarqawi was not about to give Al Quaeda that satisfaction. She even gave up spying out her window at the neighbors in order to focus on the task at hand. But in the end it all came down to her secret ingredient - her magic apple bush. Passed on from generation to generation, from Mobile, Ala to Plano, TX, this was the secret ingredient. And after making the pie, all that was left was to find some duct tape to fix last year's sign. For the price of her pies would always stay the same - 9/11 (9 for $11 or $1.22 for one).

That what makes Koran Koran. And the apple festival makes Constitution Constitution. And towns like Constitution make the USA USA. And somewhere God is smiling.

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Blogger Mike K said...

Hmmm.... well at least we might end up on the terror list. I guess that is an accomplishment.

6/09/2006 03:06:00 PM  
Blogger Tom G said...

I'm sure I've already been flagged. I was grateful to find I am not on a no-fly list, as I was able to fly back & forth to DC without any issues.

6/09/2006 03:23:00 PM  
Blogger Mike K said...

Perhaps if we had an audience greater than 10,000 people per day, I might be concerned. Most likely they don't care. Besides the intelligence agency has no love for Bush either. He's destroying their department.

6/09/2006 03:39:00 PM  
Blogger melanaise said...

jeez, man...ya had to put plano tx in there...I am gonna need a bomb shelter now.

Oh fuck I said bomb.

Oh shit I said Fuck.

My point is, I think you would find a warm welcome at the following blog:


They have alot of contributors and growing. I was surprised you aren't on there.


*burning birth certificate*

6/09/2006 06:28:00 PM  
Blogger melanaise said...

Greg Focker : I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?
Flight Attendant : Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...
Greg Focker : Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?
Flight Attendant : No...
Greg Focker : No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION.
Norm : I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess.
Greg Focker : I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing...
Norm : You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb.
Greg Focker : No, I said I didn't have a bomb.
Norm : But you said bomb.
Greg Focker : I said, "It's not like I have a bomb".
Norm : You said "Bomb" on an airplane.
Greg Focker : What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane?
Norm : You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane!
Greg Focker : Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier!
Norm : You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for years!

6/10/2006 02:43:00 AM  

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