Crappy Duck Merger Sends Ripples

In a top-secret press conference earlier today, Life is Crap announced that it will be merging advertising revenues with the even more crappy How to Get Good Duck.

Unfortunately, the top-secretness of the press conference meant that there were absolutely no members from the press present to take notes. Mike sat on a keg of Natural Light in the corner, trying to get the juice flowing while Tom and Anders made the finishing touches on a duck made entirely out of Spam.

The announcement was made by Good Duck’s attorney, Jessica Lawyer, a toon formerly known for her role as the voluptuous female friend of Roger Rabbit in “Who’s Framing Roger Rabbit.” After several trips to the restroom to powder her breasts, she gave the following announcement:

“Well, hiya, everybody. Or, hiya the three of you, at least. Um, Life is Crap is sort of proud to announce that effective immediately, all advertising revenues earned by and through the practically unheard of How to Eat a Duck …

What’s that?…

How to get a what?

How to … ?

Will you put that can of Spam down and enunciate, please…?

Uh-huh…. Oh, I see.

Well, let’s start again, then… let me just go powder my…

No time for that?

All righty, then… Where was I?

Life is Crap is sort of proud to announce that effective immediately, all advertising revenues earned by and through the practically unheard of How to Get Good Duck will be merged with the earnings of Life is Crap, in order to form a more perfect union, in regards to, um… one day… being able to buy a beer or two…. Is that the point? Is that it? Can I go now?”

Ms. Lawyer disappeared into the restrooms at that point to powder some more.

The merger, still unheard of on Wall Street as of the time of this entry, will go down in history as being the smallest merger of collective funds ever. Good Duck’s financial advisors are sceptical to say when and if the funds will actually become available, "if ever" being the term that was repeatedly used. Good Duck has apparently tied up about 25 cents in offshore accounts in Lake Michigan, and has the remaining 21 cents stuck in a laundering circle in Fresno.

Anders, who is apparently associated with the Duck, but requested that his last name of Porter not even be mentioned, gave the following quote:

“Hey Mike, Spammy McDuck is almost finished. How’s it going with that keg?”

While critics of the merger have labelled this move as just another pile of crap, the CEOs of Life is Crap think differently. Says Mike:

“Now that we’ll be able to get our hands on all of that cash we’ll soon rule the…. HEY, look… beer!”

The merger also includes a provision that states that several crappy members of the How to Get Good Duck writing team will be contributing to Life is Crap in the future. Tom of the Crapspot said:

“I don’t know who this guy is or what this duck shit is all about. But Mike tells me there’s a lot of funding involved, so I’m cool. It will give me more time to carve the world’s largest George Bush bust out of Spam and then blow it up on the White House lawn. So it’s like a win-win situation for me.”

The press conference ended with Mike passing around plastic cups of Natural Light, four fifths of which were foam. Thankfully, Jessica Lawyer came back from the powder room and handed out straws that were happily accepted and used to slurp out the golden goodness at the bottom of the plastic cups.

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* comedy * humor * funny * silly * politics * president * george bush * republican * democrat
* conservative * liberal * congress * entertainment * pop culture * How to Get Good Duck * beer * Jessica Rabbit * merger * Roger Rabbit * Spam * Wall Street * crap