Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Cocaine

Hello everyone,
I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew of Muppet Labs Inc. guest reporting for Life is Crap. I know it has been awhile, but I have been extremely busy fixing my random pseudo-facts generator. I plan on using it to disprove Global Warming later on this week. Sadly, it keeps exploding just like my industrial strength pollution machine, which demonstrated that Global Warming was just a myth. Anyways, I'm taking a time out to answer Cathy Lincoln's letter.

Dear Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,
My mommy snorts a powder she calls cocaine. It is dangerous?
Sincerely,
Cathy Lincoln

Thanks for the question Cathy. No, I don't think cocaine is dangerous. Bert and Ernie have been on the stuff for years. I also heard that Grover sprinkled the powder on his Wheaties. Just to be on the safe side, I will conduct a short experiment with my trusty test subject, Beaker.

DBH: Beaker?

Bkr: Memmeme meme

DBH: There you are. Where were you?

Bkr: Memema Shheee meme

DBH: Really? And then Tom Cruise ate his baby?

Bkr: Memem mem

DBH: Good Heavens! Scientology is very strange. Anyways, Beaker I need you to inject this powder through your nose using a bendy straw.

Bkr: Meme?

DBH: Now don't be worried Beaker, it's harmless. You can trust me. Everybody's doing it! You want to be cool, don't you?

Bkr: Me mem Mem memme Arghhhhhhhhhhh!

DBH: Good Heavens! Stop Beaker! No. You spilled my ovaltine! Stop!

Bkr: Arghhhhhhhh! mem mem! Arghhhhhh!

DBH: My God, everyone. Beaker has gone completely insane! I think that cocaine powder was tainted! I must have received a bad batch. Maybe I should have used a normal straw. Oh No! I don't believe this. Beaker is on fire.

Bkr: Arghhhhhhhh! Arghhhhhhhh! Arghhhhhhhh!

DBH: Hold still. I'll throw some gasoline on you.

Bkr: Arghhh!!!

DBH: Stop it this instance Beaker! Stop being on fire! Stop it, I say!

Bkr: Arghhh!

DBH: It can't be that bad. Oh my precious lab is on fire! All my research!

Bkr: Arghhh!

DBH: This will be coming out of your paycheck Beaker! Mark my words!

Bkr: Arghhh! aaaaaaaaaaahhh!

DBH: Luke Perry would be a better assistant than you.

Bkr: Aarghhhh!

DBH: Beaker? Beaker? I'm not sure if he is dead or not, but he is no longer on fire. Well, I guess that answers it then. Cathy, cocaine is not dangerous as long as you are not flammable.

Bkr: Memem

DBH: Oh goodie you are still alive! That's good! This place is a mess. Get a mop and start cleaning up!

Bkr: Memmeme?

DBH: Hospital? I don't have time for a hospital! I have precious research to conduct. Besides, I don't remember providing you with health insurance. What kind of employer do you take me for?

Bkr: Memem

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * Bunsen Honeydew * Muppet
* Scientology * Tom Cruise * global warming * pollution * science * technology * cocaine
* drug abuse * Wheaties * cereal * Hollywood * health insurance * television * Luke Perry
* celebrity * explosion * famous * Jim Henson * health care * health benefits * hospital