Starbucks Employee Solves Patron's Sexual Matters

Max Holden, assistant manager of a Midtown New York Starbucks is the undisputed master at dispensing sexual advice based on patron's beverage choice. Here are a just a couple of many testimonials that Max has plastered in the doorway under the caption:"The Max Holden Experience!"

"I remember ordering a White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino Blended coffee last August," stated Paul Westerfield. "Before I left he shouted, "Dude, they got pills to help you get it up." Man he was right. My wife of 35 years and I have made love three times a day ever since my doctor prescribed Viagra."

"It was last Tuesday when I stopped in for a Tazo Green Tea Latte," states Maria Olez. "Max, told me point blank, "It's perfectly normal for a 15 year old boys to masturbate. I recommend knocking first before opening the door." How did he know?"

"Last Monday, I was feeling a bit down so I stopped in to get a Toffee Nut Latte," says Peter Pockolovich. "Max tells me, "Dude, there a lot of people with genital herpes." I instantly felt better."

"I ordered a Espresso con Panna, and Max told me that anal sex is a pleasant experience but it takes time to enjoy it. That cracker is a-ok in my book," says Louis White.

" I was surprised when Max told me that itching makes it a lot worse, when I ordered an Iced White Chocolate Mocha. That dude sure knows what he's talking about, said Mia Gomez.

"I couldn't believe it when he told me that my wife was cheating on me with the mailman, but the guy was right. Who knew that Tazo Passion Tea lemonade said that much," states Jeff Zacks.

We were able to secure a brief interview with the minimal wage earning sex doctor to learn the secrets behind his diagnosis.

"There are a lot of factors, which indicate a patron's sexual problem, which includes more than just a coffee type. You got to pay attention to the visual clues," says Max. "For instance a guy wearing a cannery shirt who orders a house blend is looking for his first gay experience, while an African American man wearing a purple shirt ordering the same drink is looking to grow his pimping business. Another example is a mother with 80's bangs who orders a hazelnut coffee with lots of cream. Now that woman is about to fall apart, because she just saw a hotel matchbook in her husband's pants. That ass clown is totally banging his secretary! A Chinese women ordering a hazelnut coffee means that she is bored with her sex life. It's so obvious!"

Max's coworkers do not possess his natural ability to dispense advice on sexual matters. Although it has not kept some of them from trying.

"I told this guy with a black shirt and shiny gold hammer pants, that his wife would totally be into using a cock ring. That bastard threw his iced shaken coffee in my face," says Ed Nichols.

"I advised this guy from India that it wouldn't be in his best interest to pursue that relationship with his cousin. The guy left without paying," laments Michele Hu.

Other Starbuck employees remain in awe of Max's ability such as JoAnne Greenwald and "Slow" Martha Pickles.

"How does he do it? Like, I know he's a talented at whipping the drinks, but he is soooo... amazing. He could totally be the next Oprah," says JoAnne.

"He is scary good. I remember last shift when he told this twelve year old that dating his friend's mom was completely doable. I never seen a girl that happy before. She paid Max double what that Java Chip Cappuccino Light Blended Coffee with soy milk was worth!," says "Slow" Martha.

Max's ability has a strange effect on the 7th avenue Starbucks in comparison to the multitude of stores in the neighborhood.

"We get a lot of weirdos at this joint. I know clientele are clientele but these people are a bit scummy and boorish," stated store manager Heather O'Neil. "Profits are 19.7% less than the Starbucks across the street. I'm not sure if this is due to the Max Holden experience or when other employees try to emulate the Max Holden experience. Maybe I should give Max another raise."

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * Starbuck * Coffee * sex advice
* java * Cappuccino * Chocolate Mocha * Beverage * Latte * Viagra * Sex * New York * herpes
* hazelnut * soy * minimal wage