The Paparazzi

What's his face had a case of the Paparazzi back in the late 90s

The Paparazzi is a city bound sub-human critter known to have an unhealthy obsession with rich and famous subjects. The beast often yields a camera, which he/she will use continuously in the presence of celebrities.

"They are inhumane, a nuisance, and evil," proclaimed Jennifer Aniston. "I hate them all. God, I can't stand them."

"I throw stuff at them. They are soulless animals anyways. There is no harm done," said Angelina Jolie.

The Paparazzi is known for its cleverness. It will do anything to satisfy its celebrity photolust: hiding in bushes, rolling around in dog shit, sleeping in the rain, and so forth. Last year a Paparazzi died by coyly sleeping in a trash can at Michael Douglas' home. The incident sparked off a PETA campaign to protect city critter.

"This is an outrage! Celebrities have shown little regard for their photo happy hairless friends. If they simply posed for the camera, the Paparazzi would happily go off into the sunset or bother the celebrity who lives next door," stated Paul Jatzel, spokesperson for PETA.

Scientist Randolph Holmes is one of a dozen scientists who believe that the Paparazzi are more human than previously thought. Therefore he argues they deserve some limited rights in our society.

"No doubt they are retarded and mentally disturbed due to a genetic mutation. Why else would they be so picture happy," asked Holmes. "But they do have opposable thumbs, look human, and posses a slightly higher intellect than Steve Guttenberg and Tom Cruise. Therefore, we might be able to categorize them as somewhat human or 99.37% human."

Celebrities were quick to dismiss Holmes 1997 reports with a lot of, "I don't cares, I don't knows, and You're wrongs." This prompted the formation of Celebrities Against Paparazzi (CAP) in 1998. Membership of the group has grown by 10% each year for the past 5 years. Recently CAP, have issued a fatwa against the pesky animals.

"They killed Princess Di. They caused me to see bright lights when I close my eyes. They must be shot," said Sean P. Diddy Puffy Daddy Diddy Combs XL 3000.

"Ya... I'm da govenor. Pictures, no like. No camera. Hasta la Vista, Baby. Arnold sleepy," stated Arnold Schwarzenegger in broken pseudo English.

"Them are bad people. Mhmmm... They make me sad. Mhmmm..," said Billy Bob Thorton reminiscent of Sling Blade his most notable role.

A new group calling themselves Former Celebrities For Paparazzi (FCFP) was founded last year by M.C. Hammer, Alfonso Ribeiro, Corey Haim, George Michael, and Tori Spelling. However, it is worth noting that nobody cares about what they think or do anymore.

"Why won't they come," cried Alofonso Ribeiro. "Why?"

"I'll do lines of coke off a dead stripper belly in the middle of a junk yard while people fling mouse feces at me if they only stop by," said Haim with tears in his eyes.

"I'll show off my recent botched up boob job with a wicked strip tease and then I'll hand out wads of cash. My daddy is so super rich," stated Tori Spelling.

No Paparazzi were injured in the creation of his article. Also we were unable to contact any Paparazzi since we do not qualify as famous or rich. Rumor has it that there are struggling Paparazzi in Namibia, Africa who are desperately trying to take pictures of the Brad Pitt - Angelina Jolie love child. Lets hope they succeed and are promptly returned to their city habitats.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * Paparazzi * Angelina Jolie
* Brad Pitt * Tori Spelling * Corey Haim * Alofonso Ribeiro * M.C. Hammer * George Michael
* Billy Bob Thorton * Arnold Schwarzenegger * Sean Combs * Princess Di * Tom Cruise
* Steve Guttenberg * PETA * Michael Douglas * Jennifer Aniston * Hollywood * celebrity
* rich * famous * stars * actor * actress * camera * photography * inhumane * evil * Sling Blade