Thursday, April 13, 2006

Disney Kills Patrons for Amusement

Disney closed "Mission: Space" attraction today after a woman died from riding it. We sent our barber Larry Smarthers to conduct an interview with Michael Glass who was the lead engineer of the attraction.

LS: Michael, this is the second death in about a year related to your ride. What are your feelings?

MG: I never met this woman. I heard she was pushing 50 and she looked like it. The world is a better place.

LS: My God, is that your real feelings?

MG: Yes.

LS: Is this ride safe?

MG: Yes. It is 100% safe. Keep in mind this is an act of God. He obviously did not like that frail boy and frigid woman. They had it coming for a long time now. Their families know what I am talking about.

LS: Seriously?

MG: I am always serious.

LS: What was your original intent in creating the ride?

MG: We wanted a space ride, which would subject people to twice the normal force of gravity so we could see how it would affect people.

LS: So this attraction was created for your amusement?

MG: Yes. We love science!

LS: Were these accidents preventable?

MG: The Lord works in mysterious ways. The ride is safe. I'll let our survival rate speaks for itself.

LS: Do you think that the ride should reopen?

MG: Yes, we must determine how safe this ride really is.

LS: Shouldn't you know that already?

MG: This interview is over. Hey do you think you can give me a quick trim?

Note 1: We do not find the true events that this satire is based on to be amusing. Disney has an obligation to it's patrons to ensure all their rides are safe. Numerous people have been sent to the hospital citing chest pains after riding this contraption.

Note 2: Larry was only tipped 50 cents for his world class hair cut.

Note 3: Michael Glass smelled like a cross between camel and ostrich urine.

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