Blimp Eyes TomKat Child

The Fruits of TomKat's love has been bestowed upon us. All hail the instantly famous love child who will never know the toils of work. Following strict Hollywood protocol, the child was given the name Suri, which is Hebrew for princess. Both mother and child are healthy.

"Katie is currently happily sucking on her pacifer in my basement. She couldn't wait to watch Mission Impossible 2 and read her L. Ron Hubbard novel," stated Tom Cruise.

Kristie Alley whose fondness for pig's feet and Ho Ho's, which has increased ten fold in the past month was elated by the news.

"Yay, yay, yay," responded Kirstie Alley in typical Jabba the Hutt fashion. "Bring her over so I can eat her. Me so hungry."

It has been widely reported that Tom Cruise plans to eat the child himself in a rich wine sauce. A standoff with Alley is planned in two weeks. Lost in the baby debacle are Isabella and Conner, Tom Cruise's other children who escaped birth with semi-normal names.

"Dad is really crazy. I'm sooo glad that I'm adopted," said Isabella.

"I agree. I can't wait until I'm 18 so I can change my name to Reubens, Guttenberg, or Varney," said Conner.

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * Tomkat * Tom Cruise
* Nicole Kidman * Katie Holmes * Kristie Alley * Scientology * Scientologist * Mission Impossible
* Ron Hubbard * Science Fiction * Hollywood * actor * actress * celebrity * celebrities