C.C. DeVille Afternoon Ends in Disappointment

Paul Kowalski regrets paying $13.71 for the privilege of hanging out with Poison lead guitarist, C.C. DeVille for two hours yesterday afternoon.

"When I was 12, I dreamed of hanging out with the legendary rock star,” stated Paul. "I figured he would put my life to shame with his tales of debauchery and his drug infused frenzies."

Paul came across the "Rock out with DeVille" advertisement on a telephone pole when he was out walking his cocker spaniel on Tuesday. He eagerly dialed the Rockers R Us agency number and demanded an appointment with DeVille.

"The process was so easy. In less than 5 minutes, I was scheduled to hangout with C.C. DeVille for 2 hours on Wednesday. I couldn't believe my luck!"

As promised, a disheveled and unshaven C.C. arrived at Paul's suburban home in Santa Barbara on Wednesday along with Rockers R Us employee Herman Chang.

"When I opened the door, I couldn't believe my eyes. It was him along with this weird fast speaking Oriental guy who never smiled and smelled faintly like garbage. I was ecstatic!"

Herman quickly briefed Paul on the rules and regulations outlined in the Rockers R Us handbook. Paul eagerly signed a 7 page contract and agreed to return C.C. at 6:00pm in front of the Starbucks on Fifth Street. Herman left soon after whipping out his phone to talk about a Corey Hart delivery.

"C.C. started to panic soon after Herman left. He whimpered a lot and looked a little bit disoriented. Maybe, that is why he puked all over my brand new suede shoes. I quickly put them in a zip lock bag to preserve the moment. I couldn't wait to tell my friends."

As stated in the contract, Paul was able to setup his own activities with DeVille as long as it did not involve the following: drugs, alcohol, excessive exposure to sunlight, food, and television. Paul decided the best way to get acquainted with the cock rocker was to take a walk on a shady street.

"He didn't talk a whole lot. When I asked him about the next Poison album, he screamed Enchilada, vomited, swayed a bit, and then fell face first into his puke. The stench was unreal! I could tell he ate Tortino pizza rolls because there were bits and pieces stuck in his hair. Luckily my next door neighbor let me borrow his hose, so I could clean him off!"

Paul had to get strict with C.C. on multiple occasions that afternoon. The most dramatic event occurred when C.C. begged for food.

"I told him; Dude, Herman fed you an hour ago. It's not time to eat. He started hissing and scratching at me. I was a bit freaked out!"

The 15 minute walk took close to an hour and half due to C.C.'s wild antics. He had a way of growling and muttering obscenities at people dressed in corporate attire.

"I was so embarrassed. I kept telling him, no, but he wouldn't listen to me. It's like he had a mind of his own."

Paul suffered even more humiliation when he passed a leggy brunette at Willow Street.

"I couldn't believe it, when he started dry humping her leg. I yelled at him to get down, but he wouldn't. I apologized to the lady and told her that it would be in her best interest to just let him finish for the sake of his ego. I hope she doesn't sue me!"

Paul was relieved when they reached the Starbucks on Fifth. After consulting the Rockers R Us handbook, he decided it would be safe to buy C.C. a Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccino Blended Creme, his personal favorite. Paul wanted a Cinnamon Dolce Latte. Unfortunately, a Starbucks shift manager thought it wasn't in the franchise's interest to serve the party.

"The dude comes out screaming at me. He tells me that I am not allowed to bring that thing in here. I couldn't believe it! What was this, 1987?"

Unable to trust C.C. on his own, Paul waited for Herman to arrive.

"C.C. hazel eyes just teared up. I think he really wanted that Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccino Blended Creme. I felt bad, but what could I do?"

Herman arrived promptly at 6:00pm. Upon hearing about C.C.'s behavior, Herman remained quiet and looked bored. He took out a tazer and shocked the rock star into submission. Then he loaded C.C. into the back of the Rockers R Us van.

"I got the feeling that he really didn't care about our plight or about C.C. at all. It was just a job to him. I’m kind of sad that I didn't get to say goodbye."

Paul had mixed feelings about the afternoon and about Rockers R Us.

"I really should have visited Aunt Hildegard in the hospital. On the other hand, it was definitely one the best experiences of my life! I just didn't like that Herman guy, he was kind of cold."

Rockers R Us Spokesperson Wendy Holden stated, "We initially recruited C.C. as a joke. We didn't think anyone would actually be interested in spending an afternoon with him, let alone enjoy the experience. Boy, we were wrong! We are happy that Paul was pleased with his DeVille visit. We can only dream of Richard Marx maintaining a steady 23.2% satisfaction rating. I suppose the public just isn't ready to embrace, Richard's world class vintage thimble collection. "

Tags:
* comedy * humor * funny * silly * entertainment * pop culture * Poison * CC DeVille
* rock and roll * cock rock * musician * Santa Barbara * Starbucks * Frappuccino * Latte
* Richard Marx * Corey Hart * 80s * brunette * vintage * music