Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Mitchell Report

Hi Everybody. My name is Willie Mitchell. I played basketball at the University of Michigan in 1995 and 1996. Well, played may be a bit of a stretch. For after being named Mr Basketball in Michigan in 1994, there were huge expectations for me. It is safe to say I failed to meet any of those expectations. But that's ok. I'm perfectly content being a footnote in Michigan basketball lore. In fact, I am too awful to even be remembered as being involved in the rollover accident that lead to the violations. If anyone does remember me, it's probably for my goofy smile and general cluelessness on the basketball court.

Just because I was a bad basketball player doesn't mean I don't have something to say. Or that I can't undertake an investigation. So without any further adieu, I present my report on the suckiness of the mid-90s Michigan basketball teams. I like to call it The Mitchell Report.

My quest is to determine whether we all really sucked, all were wildly overrated, all lazy, or some combination. To get things started, I will present the participants along with the verdict. Please email with more detailed requests, as my investigation was exhaustive.

Maurice Taylor (PF) - Mo Taylor sure got a ton of money for a minimal amount of effort. As one of the least hyped recruits of this era, he came in with a chip on his shoulder. And he used this chip to play selfishly and ensure he did nothing that would be confused with dirty work. His suckiness was definitely a result of his laziness and selfishness. But I sure did enjoy mooching on him when some idiot threw satchels of money at him.

Louis Bullock (SG) - Little Louie. Man, I used to chase him around the locker room, snapping his ass with a towel. And he was such a cute little guy that I almost decided not to investigate him. But that would go against my duty. The biggest problem with Little Louie was his actual size. He had a great shot but when you are maybe 5 feet tall it's hard to get it off. Not to mention he couldn't do anything else. Guess it shouldn't be a surprise we sucked so bad.

Maceo Baston (C) - Dude was tall. Dude...was...tall. Beyond that, my investigation turned up no skills that could ever be useful for basketball.

Albert White (SF) - The craziest mofo I ever met and I know some crazy mofos. Definitely the most talented player on this entire team. The results so far have inconclusive on the why he was so ineffective.

Jerod Ward (SF) - Jerod's problem was that his Hollywood career took priority over Michigan, which is kinda sad as there are very few basketball movies. And very few of them starred Tupac. At least Jerod got to meet Tupac, I guess.

Robert "Tractor" Traylor (C) - He was fat. If you could morph Traylor's skills and weight with Baston's height you would have had a dominating center. In fact, that center would resemble Kazaam.

Dugan Fife (SG) - King Jackass

Travis Conlon (PG) - Hey, when you are just happy to be on the team can you really be considered a disappointment.

So there you have it - The Mitchell Report. There were no easy answers and no simple explanations. There are a variety of reasons why our mid-90s Michigan basketball teams sucked so bad. At least they won the NIT in '97 without me - being #65 is close to being #1.


*silly*comedy *college*basketball*University of Michigan*Wolverines*Willie Mitchell *Mitchell Report*Maurice Taylor *Louis Bullock *Maceo Baston *Jerod Ward *Robert Traylor*Dugan Fife *Travis Conlon *Albert White


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