Monday, November 12, 2007

Idea: For Profit Fire Department

Privatizing is great. Market factors should dictate costs for all services, which leads me to present my idea for privatizing our fire departments.

Lets face facts, fire fighters don't work for free *(See Note 1) and a fire's potential damage ranges from minimal to extreme. Another factor is the emotional cost associated with a fire. The emotional cost can be hard to gauge so it is best to use the wealth model as a basis.

Person A who owns a run down 2 bedroom 1 bath condo might not care that his house is on fire while the hardworking and successful Person B who owns a 5 bedroom 4 bath luxury home with a swimming pool and tennis court might.

Since Person B cares more about his home and is more of an American than Person A, he should pay a government subsidized discount price, while Person A has to pay full price plus a societal leech tax. It's the American way based on our current income tax code.

The privatization for fire fighting is simple. In the event of a fire, a person would call the fire department of his/her choice and supply them with the following useful information: yearly income, property type, ancestry, political affiliation, age, religion, and choice of package *(See Note 2). The fire department will either honor the request with a price of their choosing or politely decline.

If an agreement is reached, the firefighters will organize a time *(Note 3) when they will arrive on the premise. Based on the package, the obligatory alarm and/or flashing lights will be used and 0 or more fire trucks with 1 to 30 firemen will arrive. Some examples of the packages are as follows:
  • Package 1 (El Cheapo): 1 poorly trained fireman, no truck, and a fire extinguisher.
  • Package 2 (Bare Bones): 2 firemen, pump truck, and water.
  • Package 3 (Semi-Impressive): 4 firemen, 1 hook and ladder, water, and dalmatian.
  • Pacakge 4 (Crowd-Pleaser): 8 firemen, pump truck, hook and ladder, water, fire chief, and dalmatian.
  • Package 5 (Five Alarm Special): 16 firemen, 2 pump trucks, hook and ladder, ambulance, fire chief, dalmatian, water, and a complementary lunch buffet.
  • Package 6 (Six Alarm Special): 30 firemen, 4 pump trucks, 2 hook and ladders, ambulance, 2 fire chiefs, 2 dalmatians, water, a 2 night hotel stay, and a complimentary dinner buffet
An Adorable Fire Bear can purchased for an additional $27.95.

It is heavily encouraged that solicitors of fire services tip their firemen a customary 15%. Anything less is deemed anti-capitalistic and the customer will be issued a 20% surcharge. It is reasonable that the firemen can re-torch the building in the event of an insufficient transaction.

For-profit fire departments is a concept whose time has come. Long are the days when people can torch their homes for the insurance money and/or drunken entertainment. After all there are only so many fires that a department can handle and some fires are just not profitable.

Note 1:
There's an internets rumor about the existence of volunteer fire fighters. But, that's a rumor. Besides volunteers don't know what they are doing; Otherwise they would be charging for their services. Volunteer service is socialist construct and socialism is anti-American. Volunteer firefighters (if they do exist) hate America.

Note 2:
Fire fighters are discouraged from helping those who are either poor, atheist, practice Islam, have a foreign accent, vote Democrat, or have an undesirable skin color (non-white). Old people should not be rescued either unless it is a relative, rich, or will pay cash on the delivery of service.

Note 3:
The time of arrival can range from 5 minutes to 6-10 hours depending on the extent of the background check, location, waiting list, bribes, and scheduling conflicts.

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