Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Father of Anna Nicole's Baby is...

Crapateers, I have a confession to make. I am the father of Dannielynn. I know what you are thinking.... Mike, how is this even possible? Well, Crapateers it is a complicated and beautiful story that only a nut case would believe.

I was relaxing with my thoughts back in August of 1995, when I decided that I wanted to father a child with Anna Nicole Smith. Why not? Many people liked her, and she had many desirable qualities. I also figured she would be an awesome mom.

My baby's mama looking kinda hot.

The whole thought process might seem crazy, but to a 18 year old kid fresh out of school it made perfect sense. I figured, I had all the right stuff: a high school diploma, acne, and the right equipment. Granted there were other possible candidates who could claim to have similar qualities, but I had determination.

The first step in my plan was to build a time machine. I figured if I went into the future, I might have a chance at fathering the kid. All I needed was a Delorean DMC12 and a flux capacitor. The flux capacitor was the easy part. I must have watched those Back to the Future movies hundreds of times. The Delorean would be a bit harder to procure.

The Delorean: A must have for time travel?

Then it dawned on me... I don't need a Delorean! A 1987 Ford Escort should do the trick! So I asked my friend if I could borrow his car for the weekend. He said yes and 8 hours later thanks to some pixie sticks and some super glue, the flux capacitor was fluxing in the Ford Escort in a little over 6 hours.

I drove the Escort to an abandoned mall and set the time circuits to August 20th, 2005. I figured, that Anna would be in her upper 30s and she would definitely be susceptible to the whims of a 18 year old.

An Escort can be used for Time Travel?

"Hahaha," I thought to myself. "This was way too easy." I floored the gas pedal and in about 50 seconds I was up to 88 miles per hour.

The car was definitely going fast, but the flux capacitor was not working! I drove around for 45 minutes just to make sure before I decided to call it quits. "Crap," I thought to myself. "I guess I will have to try plan B."

I remember reading somewhere that Anna Nicole froze the sperm of that old guy she married. "Hmmm... I wonder if she intended on using that stuff," I thought to myself. "This is could be my way in, baby!"

The new plan was much easier. Find the sperm bank and replace Marshall's stuff with my own stuff. The problem was finding out the name of the bank.

Luckily my friend's mom subscribed to Enquire. After searching the back issues for two hours, I came up with the location of the bank. Wouldn't you know it... it was five miles away from Howard Marshall's mansion!

I booked a airline ticket that night, and 2 weeks later I was in the Lone Star state. Renting a car proved out of question since I was only 18 so I took a bus to the bank.

I remember shaking when I went I opened the bank door. "Crap, maybe this is not such a good idea," I thought to myself. It was already too late. The receptionist saw me.

"Hi. Can I help you," asked the middle aged brunette behind the desk. She must have been a smoker, the voice was horse and she coughed several times into her fist.

"Yes, I would like to make a deposit," I answered meekly looking at my shoe laces.

"You, want to make a deposit," she asked inquisitively.

"Yeah. I heard it's kind of fun."

"Alright, fill out these forms and the nurse will take you out back."


I filled out the forms as best as I could. There were a lot of questions and I didn't feel like answering them all. I was hungry, nervous, and a little bit tired. I was hoping that they would pay me for my troubles.

I handed the forms back to the receptionist and she laughed.

"Ok. Nurse Hatcher will escort you to the room."

Nurse Hatcher was all business. She looked me up and down and then frowned.

"First time?"


"Any special requests?"

"Do you have the playboy issue with Anna Nicole Smith?"

"Uhhh yeah. I'll get you that one."


I was pretty nervous, but I was keeping it together alright. Two minutes later, Nurse Hatcher returned with the magazine. She explained the procedure in a robotic fashion and closed the door.

"Press the button by the door when you are done. That will let me know when it is ok to come back."

"Ok," I said.

I won't describe what happened next. Instead I will fast-forward to what I did afterwards.

I went home happy. I successfully swapped Marshall's stuff with my own and it only cost me $311.75! It was hard to believe that the hard nosed nurse didn't suspect a thing. I guess all those years of watching Scooby Doo paid off.

Many years passed and Anna still didn't have a kid. I started believing that it wouldn't happen. Maybe she changed her mind. Maybe she would never impregnate herself with Marshall's (Errr.. I mean my) stuff. You can imagine my anxiety. I had put in so much effort into fathering this kid. The plan had to work!

I followed Anna's career and exploits religiously looking for clues. Finally in October 2005, the fruits of my labor paid off. Anna Nicole was pregnant! I just knew it had to be my baby, because she was being evasive about who the real father was.

Sadly Anna Nicole is no longer alive. Right now, the vultures are circling; falsely claiming that Dannielynn is their baby. It's awful. I wish people would take me seriously when I say that I'm the dad. Sure. I may not be. I guess it possible that I made this whole story up. Then again what kind of sick person would make up such a story. Hmmmm....

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Blogger August Goddess said...

Totally believable. I mean, if you said you actually had a Delorean, I might have some doubts!Thanks for finally clearing this all up!

2/19/2007 10:18:00 AM  
Blogger Mike K said...

It is only a matter of time before the world knows the truth. ;-)

2/19/2007 03:19:00 PM  
Blogger Stealth said...


Oh man, I have missed these classic posts..awesome.

2/23/2007 09:52:00 AM  

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