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Monday, February 12, 2007

Dickie V on Suicide Watch

Last night after Maryland handed Duke it's 4th straight loss, NCAA basketball announcer Dick Vitale was put under a suicide watch. The colorful commentator, known for screaming superlatives such as "PTPer" and "Diaper Dandy" at the viewer nonstop for 2 hours, was unusally despondent and silent, according to unsubstantiated media reports.

"It's heartbreaking baby," I imagine Dickie V would say. "you think you finally have the world figured out and then BAM! You get hit with an over the back that knocks you to the ground. And it's crushing with a capital K, as in Coach K. I tell you what baby, it couldn't happen to a more undeserving man. He's a class act all around. I mean, what are we telling our kids out here? That class doesn't matter. All that matters is wins and losses baby. Well, I don't wanna live in a world where Duke can lose back to back games let alone one where they might not even make the tournament. I call a TO baby. NCAA presidents need to take a hard look at the rules and ensure Duke never loses another game."

Apparently Dickie V just stared at his plate of sausages and creamed corn for 15 minutes, shaking his head in misery. Then he realized that North Carolina still had a good shot at winning it all and a smile came across his face.

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