Monday, January 22, 2007

Life is Crap: A Trip to the Dentist

So I'm back from my bi-yearly torture. It's a good news/bad news situation. The good news is that my teeth are not rotten. The bad news is that my gums are inflamed causing some pockets to form where tooth destroying bacteria can take residence. Oh my!

Why is it that these tooth sculptors refuse to believe me when I tell them that I've been flossing? Am I liar? Do I intentionally mislead?

"Perhaps you have, perhaps you haven't. Regardless you are not doing it the right way. C-shape. Vigorously up and down. Got that buddy? Come in 6 months so we can make you bleed again."

Good god, it was not fun. I have a pretty high pain threshold, so I didn't squirm too much. But one can only do so much about the tears. They weren't lying when they said that eyes are the gate way to the soul and my soul was screaming.

"I didn't hurt you did I," chuckled the hygienist.


"Oh it is almost over. I just got get at this... wooo...Look at this piece of tartar."


"Yes, it looks like the tartar fairy has been visiting you."


I find this back forth mock conversation somewhat irritating for several reasons. I'm not five. I have not yet mastered the art of talking with dental equipment in my mouth. I barely know this woman. I don't want to be there.

The drool sliding down my cheek and that far off look in my eye is one of yearning and despair. Yearning to get the hell out of there and despair because I am powerless to leave.

The fact of the matter is that I need to undergo this torture if I want to have a reasonable chance at holding onto my chompers. I like my teeth. They grind food really well. I would be very sad to lose them. So I do my best and try to relax, but the 3 cups of coffee I had prior to coming are working on my nerves. I'm starting to sweat. Dear god... no more scraping. Oh boy...

"No... I am not in pain. Accept the pain! This is pleasure. Go to your happy place. Awww crap... A penguin! Fight Club?"

Sigh. It's a crap situation. I used to like the dentist, but now I loathe going. Perhaps if Dr. K got a Nintendo like my old dentist I would think differently. Wait... I'm no longer a teenager with near-perfect teeth. Crap.

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Blogger Stealth said...


1/29/2007 07:13:00 AM  

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