Friday, December 15, 2006

Craptacular Changes are on the Way

Life is Crap is planning to make some big changes for 2007. WhoooHooo! First off we are going to beta blogger. Supposedly, that comes with a whole bunch of new goodies. I'm not sure what those goodies are yet, but supposedly they are spectacular.

We also plan on changing the looks of our blog. Tom says something about looking more professional. I don't know what that means, but I'm cool with that as long as we don't have wear a shirt and tie.

Now for the bad news. We have not sold any Life is Crap related merchandise. Ten months and nada! What gives? Strapped for cash? Can't find it in your heart to buy some useless crap? You cruel and selfish bastards!

Buy this craperific shirt, damnit!

You guys call yourself consumers? It's disgraceful. Why won't you buy our poorly designed crap? We have apparel, mugs, and cards. All of it featuring shotty photography and semi-clever phrases cooked up by yours truly.

I know the art work is poor. I know that the down syndrome kid from "Life Goes On" is twice as cool as I am. But he is not nearly as pathetic and greedy. That guy is always smiling and laughing like he is being tickled by Mark Foley. Oh God... I can't believe I went there.

It's your fault! You brought this upon yourself for not supporting the cause. We had a deal here. We made a crappy blog, and you were supposed to buy our blog related crap. What went wrong? It's not like we are Enron. This was a solid Internet based business. I don't understand why we are not millionaires a million times over.

Is it a conspiracy? Should I have paid off those aliens from Zarafarcozi? Jesus. I know I should have, but they were so nice. They seemed to be completely content licking the mold off my bathroom walls. I thought I was doing them a favor!

Maybe the problem is me. I never thought that anyone would even read this thing. Now that they have... I'm ashamed and confused. Hell, I can't believe you made it this far in the post. I mean my god, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you a sadistic masochistic fool in the Mr. T sense of the phrase?

Nothing signals a drinking problem like a coffee mug featuring a beer mug.

Any who... It's Friday. Time to go. I will expand on this subject later. I'm not done berating you yet. By the time I'm done you will be like a fascist at an Erasure show with opening guests Pet Shop Boys. Then you will be sure to buy all our neato crapola. I just know you will.

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Blogger Tom G said...

I guess when I say professional I meant more in my writing style. Instead of being so half-assed/stream of consciousness I would like to work harder. At the end of the day, one reason I do this is to work on my writing skills. If I always do everything wuick, I'm not stretching those skills.

12/19/2006 09:30:00 AM  
Blogger Mike K said...

It's not such a bad thing to write that way. However, it is always good to experiment with different writing styles. Writing is a lot like music. There are many different formats to play around with.

12/20/2006 09:27:00 AM  

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