Monday, December 18, 2006

Coming Soon: Universal Groove

Dude... It is happening. The premiere event of the new millennium: Universal Groove the movie. This movie is so good, that it is being released directly to DVD. That's good news, crapateers! We don't have to wait to get our Corey fix! Besides these things are best viewed on the small screen in my humble opinion.

Tom and I have been obsessed with this project since we learned about it. Seven years in the works and featuring one of our favorite 80s actors: Corey Haim.

I confess. Secretly I am a Coreys fan and admirer. Tom and I have seen most of the Corey catalogue. I wouldn't recommend it. Most of the films make afternoon specials look like Oscar material. So why are we obsessed with the Coreys? Well, they are approximately our age. At one time both Haim and Feldman were promising actors. Then they both hit a brick wall shortly after Lost Boys.

Admit it... You secretly love Rock Star Haim!

Perhaps it was the cocaine, or too much fame too fast. God only knows, but it has taken them almost two decades to get their heads straight. Feldman seems to be doing pretty well (It helped getting away from Michael Jackson.), but I have my doubts about Haim. Perhaps we can have a better status on their sobriety when their new show debuts on the E channel.

So seven years later and Universal Groove is going to be released.... What happened? Why did it take so long? In our April 4th post, we commented on the project, Corey Haim, and the whereabouts of Universal Groove producer Sandeep Panesar. We didn't expect anything to come from it. Perhaps a few laughs from our readers and nothing more. As our amazing president (eyes rolling) stated, we clearly misunderestimated ourselves.

Sandeep found our little blog and has decided to set the record straight on his blog. He is not dead, the movie is being released soon, he is not a Corey whore, and he is not addicted to cocaine although he is "still living in a crack induced dream state which keeps me constantly awake, increasingly looking like Geddy Lee (and he looks like serious shit), and when I reach out the walls feel like I'm in either Videodrome or Existenz."

Yikes! I'm not sure how to take this news. On one hand, our blog became a little more famous. On the other hand Sandeep can have us killed. The guy is wealthy. Wealthy people are scary! Look at Mr. Burns on the Simpsons.

Haim and Feldman: The deadly duo in their 80s prime.

Thank god Sandeep has a sense of humor (I think). That's good news for us; we might survive.... At least until we can review this film. Which is good for so many reasons. My wife will be happy. So will my dog. Did I mention I have a dog? Oh geez...

I have to admit that I'm worried about this movie. If it's good, it might propel Haim to super-stardom. Will he start abusing cocaine again? If it's bad will he take comfort in routine heroin binges? Either way it is a win-win for the drug dealer community, but what about Corey?

As far as Sandeep goes... regardless of how the film is received, he has done something that very few people can do. He has made an independent film. That's pretty awesome. To be honest... I am jealous. I doubt I will ever be able to make something that will potentially reach such a massive audience. Good luck Sandeep. I hope the film does well.

As for us... we will continue to take pot shots at Corey. We can't help ourselves. Any guy who sells his teeth based on his former fame is well deserving of our complete undivided attention (We have no life!).

As time goes on... we will be forgotten. Sandeep will go on to make millions more. We'll still be working dead-end jobs; living in poorly constructed homes with wives that bitch about us sitting around all Saturday afternoon watching ESPN in boxer shorts.

Then one day when I'm 2 weeks away from retirement... I will receive a knock at my door.

"Oh boy... that must be the Publisher's Clearing House."

Unfortunate for me.. it won't be Ed McMahon's resurrected corpse handing me a giant check. Instead it will be well dressed man hoisting a sawed off machine gun. Of course I will only have a second to address the situation before my body is riddled with bullet holes.

The neighbors will say, "Dear god... what did he do?"

Perhaps the letter that I keep in my pocket at all times will clear up the matter.

"Don't piss off the Canadians."

Short and sweet, but directly to the point. The letter leaves little to the imagination.

At my funeral... my son and his transvestite girlfriend will suck face while my ragged wife rattles a coin collection can at all three people who wish to pay their respects.

My soul will be at rest as I appraise the situation from the pits of hell.

"I'm glad she used a Campbell's soup can. That's classy," I will sigh to myself.

Due to the declining U.S. dollar... all savings have been wiped out and the country has formally been taken over by the Chinese. As a result my family can't afford a proper burial. After the brief ceremony my body will be dumped into the Atlantic ocean by the Russian mafia. Days later it will wash up at Atlantic city with little fan-fare.

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Blogger Tom G said...

I got home from shopping on Saturday and "Dream a Little Dream" was on, a fine Corey and Corey classic. I promptly turned off my TV, put in some music, and cleaned.

If only it was Sunday - I was sick and spent all day on the couch. In other words, a perfect day to watch a Corey flick.

12/18/2006 03:40:00 PM  
Blogger Mike K said...

That's disappointing. That reminds me. I need to continue building my Corey library. I only have License to Drive, Goonies, and Lucas. That's awful!

12/19/2006 11:08:00 AM  

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