Monday, July 10, 2006

Super Grover: How I got my Super Hero Hat Part 2

Chapter 3 of the Super Grover Memoir: "Super Grover and His Super Letters of Super Legendary Acts of Superness," begins where chapter 2 left off. Chapter one is here. You can click here for a video of Super Grover and his mom in flight.

Chapter 3: How I got my Super Hero Hat Part 2

Hi Boys and Girls,
This is your pal Grover, the greatest, best, awesomest super hero the world has ever seen. This here is part two of how I got my nifty Super Hero Hat.

That a b*tch over at Medieval Times had it in for yours truly. There was no reason at all that I couldn't go from zero to hero in one swooping step. After all, I was Super Grover and I am fantastically awesome. Anyways, it seemed like forever until that Monday night, my first shift at Medieval Times.

I passed the time like all muppets on Sesame street did. I recited the alphabet a few thousand times, practiced counting from 1 to 12, made up jokes about Bert's sexuality, and fantasized about Maria. On Friday night Gordon, Louis and that idiot Big Bird and I went out for a few cold ones at the Sesame Street bar. I got sloshed and ended up throwing up all over the table. Needless to say, I spent all of Saturday with a massive hangover and throbbing headache. It wasn't until Sunday that I cleaned the crusty residue from my otherwise perfect blue fur. Thankfully I was fully recovered by then.

It was a pretty good Sunday. I hung out with Oscar the Grouch and we prank called Elmo for three hours straight. Boys and girls, that muppet is a freaking idiot! Can you believe he answers the phone, "Me Elmo, Elmo on phone, you talk to Elmo?" The annoying little turd never caught on it was us. Oscar and I laughed wildly like a bunch of twelve year olds watching Porkies for the first time. Then we watched Police Academy 2. I love that guy who makes sounds with his voice.
After my Sesame Street gig on Monday, I boarded the Sesame Street bus number 9 to the New Jersey Newark bus station. I always hate how the homeless people beg you for change. This one guy who smelled like urine recognized me as that blue guy on Sesame Street.

"Dude, you're that blue guy that works for PBS. I'm your biggest fan. Give me some money you rich little bastard," said the crusty guy with rotting teeth and black finger nails.

"Super Grover doesn't help strangers especially strangers who smell like feces," I blurted out.

I gave him the finger and promptly walked on to bus 41, which stops at Medieval Times. I admit I was bit nervous. First day on the job at the mecca where I would get my super hero hat. I just hoped that I wouldn't get into any trouble. Then I saw her. My arch nemesis. The one who was going to get into Super Grover's way.

"Hi, Grover, are you ready to be our stable boy," said the gloating blob Martha Henry the manager of Medieval Times.

"Yes, what do I have to do," I asked somberly with my shoulders slouched. I knew when I was beat.

"For starters you can clean up the horse crap, wash the horses down, and then feed them," said Martha happily.

"Grover doesn't cleanup after horses, Grover rides horses," I muttered.

"You can't go from zero to hero Grover! You must pay your dues," said Martha handing yours truly a shovel and bucket.

Picking up horse poop was a low point for Super Grover. It was more humiliating than that time I had to hug Elmo in front of a television audience. I remember showering for 5 hours that day. I felt so disgusting.

I picked up the poop feverishly. I couldn't wait until it was done. Washing the horses was pretty easy, I guess except when the horses kicked poop into your eyes. I ran up to them and started flailing my blue arms, but they seemed resistant to my super hero tactics. I guess horses are immune to Super Grover's awesome feats of strength.

Half way through cleaning the black knight's horse, I saw it. Shimmering in the golden overhead lights was a stainless steel helmet and there was no one in sight! Dropping the hose with a bang, I walked over using my super hero stealth moves.

"Closer, closer, closer, got it," I almost screamed in pure ecstasy. I was holding it! It was more beautiful than that I dream I had about hitting Big Bird with a two by four.

"Are you clean that helmet, stable boy," said Martha smirking.

"How did you... Where did you. Ummm....," I was so surprised to see fat Martha in her gloating crumb infested glory that I was riddled speechless.

"Well.... I'm waiting," said Martha tapping her foot impatiently.

"Yes, of course. Of course I was going to clean it," I said confidently. I cradled the helmet in my arms and went to pick it up, but it was so heavy.

"Damnit! Ouch! Mommy," I screamed. The most beautiful object that Super Grover has ever known had done the unthinkable! It came crashing down on my foot, and now it was swelling bigger than Martha's fat head.

"You better let me help you with that," said Martha who was able to pick up the helmet with one hand.

I was mortified and embarrassed. Super Grover's first day on the job was neither super or glorious. To put it bluntly boys and girls, your hero Super Grover was a certified wimp. I quickly limped into the bathroom. There in the bathroom mirror, I saw the sad reality. Super Grover had the muscular build of a two year old. All those years of reciting the alphabet and counting to twelve, I could have spent doing pushups. If this got back to Louis and Gordon, I would be the laughing stock of Sesame Street. I had to do something quick, but what? How could Super Grover beef up enough to wear the magical helmet he needed to save the world?

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Blogger melanaise said...

I love grover. Elmo is such an imposter. hmph.

7/11/2006 10:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Joe said...

Elmo and Grover are merely the same race; neither is ripping the other off.

However, this post here was definitelynot written by Grover.

Grover talks in broken English (eg. "Me going to store now". "Me like Maria", etc.), which is weird because it suggests there is a language spoken by the Grover/Elmo race.

Elmo came on the scene long after I had moved on to more mature fare (eg. Saved By The Bell). I vaguely recall the Elmo craze of the late '90s, and wondering why all the fuss over this younger, red Grover. Nevertheless I do seem to recall that Elmo speaking English a little better than Grover. They've both bee nliving in this country for so many years it's outrageous that they should still be speaking in broken English - this shws thatthey are not making an effort to assimilate.

I wonder if the Grover/Elmo race are elegible for Affrmative Action. They couldn't really be called 'white', but I don't see as they can be construed as 'oppressed'.

7/13/2006 03:56:00 PM  
Blogger melanaise said...

Okay, mister, that was totally Grover talking. I am a freak for the muppets and it sounded like Grover. I guess we will agree to disagree.

Anyway, it made me laugh my ass off as always...

7/14/2006 10:00:00 PM  

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