Monday, July 31, 2006

Killing Matt Pinfield Won't Be Easy

I harbor a healthy disgust for Mr. Music Encyclopedia who makes a mockery of casual music listeners throughout the world. His know-it-allism must be stopped otherwise it will turn off a generation to music. I shudder at the thought of more crap boy bands and toxic Britney wannabes as a result of this man's existence. For those who refuse to believe in the connection between Matt and crap music, I cite this fact: Since 1993, the market for crap music has increased by 30-45% every year. This is roughly coincides with Matt's rise in cultural impact. Clearly this man's reckless behavior is causing a good music decline.

Killing Matt Pinfield won't be easy. He's incredibly fat, which means that his body can withstand bullets and knives. Even using a higher gauge bullet or the sharpest knife known to man may not do the trick. Strangling the f*cker would be equally impossible. The guy has no neck. Probably our best bet is to cause his brain to explode by mentioning a band he never listened to as being the next best thing.

Matt's ego simply can not fathom not knowing every minute detail about every band that ever existed. Rumor has it that he attends high school talent shows in his spare time just to hear what is coming up the pipeline. If he is unavailable he sends one of his boys to cover it. Stories abound about his appetite for music trivia, which has grown increasingly worse since he was stumped in 1997 over a question concerning the birth place of the Dead Milkmen's drummer. The 54 second pause was widely reported by the mainstream press, and caused Matt to lose quite a bit of credibility at Mtv. As a result he went on a three week hiatus in Tibet where he mastered advanced memorization techniques taught by a Buddhist monk. The feat worked and Matt has yet to be stumped again.

I ask you all as crapateers who I hold in the highest regard; Are you with me or are you against me? Will you go out of your way to prevent me from taking this New Jersey swine out of his misery? He must be stopped for the good of music. Otherwise we will be forced to listen to more manufactured crap rock.

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Blogger Tom G said...

I saw his bald head on some VH-1 heavy metal countdown thing. He deserves your rage - what kind of world do we live in where the preznit can't eat pretzels and Matt Pinfield and Taylor Hicks are on TV?

7/31/2006 01:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Matt Pinfield said...

I know I suck but do I really deserve death?

7/31/2006 02:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Pauly Shore said...

Hey Buddddyyyy,

It's the Weasel...

Don't forget about me bro.


7/31/2006 04:43:00 PM  
Blogger melanaise said...

well as an avid reader, I trust mike on this one. so yes. death.

smokin' banana peels in between meals -The Dead Milkmen

Although I am not sure how high of a regard he holds this crapateer's opinions ;-) *grin*

8/01/2006 02:44:00 PM  

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