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Monday, July 24, 2006

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Birth Control

Hello everyone,
I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew of Muppet Labs Inc. guest reporting for the fine folks at Life is Crap. My last experiment if you remember was the random pseudo facts generator, which successfully proved that global warming was just a myth. Take that Al Gore! Unfortunately, things have not been looking good for us at Muppet Labs Inc. Karl Rove never sent us those McDonald's coupons that Beaker and I so desperately need to survive. In a turn for the worst, we've been forced to lay off our trusty lab assistant Luke Perry. No longer will we be able to see his wrinkled brow and his too cool for school smile. Sigh. It was a sad, sad, day.

BKR: Mememememmemem

DBH: Yes, Beaker we can still watch him in 90210 reruns and various other crappy television shows that no one watches. Anyways, our new experiment on the dangers of birth control should win us points with the Bush administration. As a scientist I can not stress enough how dangerous birth control is. It is the leading cause of dead children every year. Thousands upon thousands of dead children! This also comes at a great risk to the woman. She might undergo unusual heavy bleeding from the vagina, breast tenderness, change in sexual desire, headaches, depression, chest pains, vomiting, diarrhea, unusual swelling, yellowing of the skin, and perhaps even explosions!

BKR: Memmeme! mememe! Sigh.

DBH: Yes, it is quite dangerous Beaker. I might even have to wear a helmet for this experiment.

BKR: Mememe?

DBH: Hahhaha. You know we are a on a budget, Beaker. I spare no expense for a lowly assistant like yourself. Beaker, you will be taking 20 times the recommended dosage of birth control.

BKR: Memmeem?

DBH: Yes you.

BKR: Memem?

DBH: I doubt it's safe. Most likely you will suffer a couple of explosions, but I really don't know.

BKR: Memem! Mememe!

DBH: Well, that is why it is an experiment. We do experiments to find stuff out. Geez, Louise! Don't be such a sissy. Let's see here, we got Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo, Yasmin, and some kind of generic Progestin pill. I'll randomly choose about 30-40 pills grind them up and put them in oatmeal. Before we begin, I have several questions Beaker. Beaker, when was the last time that you had an abortion?

BKR: Memem.

DBH: What? You never told me that! Well, that is just great! I'm not going to be held responsible if you blow up because of this! Ok... Let's proceed, It's been two weeks since you gave birth, right?

BKR: Mememe!

DBH: Well, excuse me for asking! I have to ask these questions just to make sure. We don't want me to get sued again, do we?

BKR: Mememe. (sigh)

DBH: Alrighty then. I guess it has been six weeks since you last nursed, right?

BKR: Mememe. Mememme. Mememem. mem. Memem..

DBH: That is disgusting! I'm not sure that is even legal. I guess that doesn't even matter. You don't think you are pregnant?

BKR: Meme? Mememe. mememe.

DBH: Hmmm.... Well, I guess it's always possible. Wasn't the governor of California once pregnant? My goodness was that a funny film! Danny Devito was in that one too. He is such a cherry fellow unlike you Beaker. I suppose that you have not had abnormal growth or cancer of the uterus.

BKR: Memem. memem.

DBH: Not lately, huh? Hmmm... That's good. I don't think our health plan covers that one anyways. Do you have unexplained bleeding of the vagina?

BKR: Memememe. Mememme. Memmeme. Mememem.

DBH: Ugh! That is disgusting! You should be more careful, Beaker. Dating Nicole Richie is a most dangerous proposition. She has been around if you know what I mean. Ok. That about does it. There's some other questions here, but I already know the answers to them. Heavy smoker, check. History of heart attacks and strokes, check. Unusually high blood pressure, check. Suffer bad headaches, check. Geez. You are one sick assistant, Beaker. This experiment might very well kill you, but that is ok. I've been getting pretty sick of your constant complaining. Are you ready, Beaker?

BKR: Mememe.

DBH: Good. Let me grind up these pills in the food processor. Ok good. That is nice and crushed. Ummm... Let's pour it into the instant oatmeal. Mmmm.... honey nut oatmeal! It's your favorite Beaker! Eat up.

BKR: Mememem! Mememem (gulp) Mem. mem. Yaaaaaaaaaa! Yaaaaaaaaaa! Yip! Yaaaa!

DBH: Calm down Beaker. Let me write this down in my trusty notebook. Smoke coming from ears, yellowing face, victim is gripping heart, erratic behavior. Ooooh boy! We hit the jackpot today!

BKR: Yaaaaaaaaa! Yaaaaa!

DBH: Hair is burning up in flames. Hmmm... I don't remember seeing that as one of the symptoms. Victim collapses, clutching heart. Hmmm.... Well that is consistent. You're having a heart attack right Beaker?

BKR: (pant) Mem.

DBH: Oh dear. I think this might be it for Beaker. I might have killed him this time. Is this controlling your period, Beaker? You are not getting pregnant, right? Are your breasts tender? Are they tender, Beaker? What about depression? Are you depressed?

BKR: Memem.

DBH: Well I guess the birth control protects against pregnancy. But, it seems so dangerous. So very dangerous indeed. What about sexual desire? Is it decreasing or increasing? Decreasing or Increasing? Answer me, darn it!

BKR: (pant)

DBH: Beaker? Beaker? I think he passed out. I should have gotten an assistant with fewer health problems. Well, that is not entirely fair. I probably caused or enhanced most of these pre-existing conditions. Sigh. I guess I could save his life, but I don't want to disrupt the experiment. Is that swelling I see? Beaker are you swelling? Hmmm.... That does look unusual! Oh my goodness!

CRACKLE! BOOOOOOOOM!

DBH: Good Heavens! I think..... Yes! He exploded! Beaker has just exploded! Ladies and Gentleman, this has been a most successful experiment. Birth control is dangerous. Very very dangerous! Isn't that right, Beaker? Oh wait, you've exploded. Hahahah! I thought that could happen. Didn't I, Beaker? Didn't I tell you that was a possibility? Hahah! This is great! This is most amazing! Science is proud of you Beaker. Science is proud!

Editorial Note:
Beaker was revived by the nonprofit group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Assistants) who have been watching Muppet Labs Inc. with great interest since Luke Perry's untimely release. PETA was able to rush Beaker to the Muppet Memorial hospital where he underwent extensive reconstructive surgery. Glue, felt, cardboard, and yarn were the raw materials used to make Beaker whole again. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew received several envelopes stuffed with McDonald's coupons from the desk of Karl Rove. He is looking forward to the return of his faithful assistant Beaker so that they can celebrate at the golden arches. Dr. Bunsen has not visited his friend and assistant since he hates hospitals.

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1 Comments:

Blogger melanaise said...

okay, honeydew, there is a certain site looking for you for an award.
SHOUT OUT.

7/25/2006 05:41:00 PM  

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