Thursday, July 27, 2006

al-Qaida to Spend 15% More on 2007 Press Releases

Due to below average productions and little air time, Ayman al-Zawahri has announce that the al-Qaida organization would spend 15% more on press releases. The stock for Terrorists United Against United States of America Interests (TUAUSAI) went up by $2.25 per share upon the announcement. In a written statement, al-Zawahri had this to say:

"Death to America. Thank you. We need to look more professional to attract the very best suicide bombers," stated al-Zawahri. "It is not enough to proclaim Death to America, we need to look good doing it too. I've been studying the special effects used on the Fox News Network. Pretty cool stuff. We will be hiring a sound engineer and a Adobe Premiere Pro 2 expert. Please check monster.com if you are interested."

So far the monster.com ad has received relatively few responses although this has been typical for the organization. Last year, the Adobe Premiere Professional expert Jake al-Karamali was beheaded for not getting the World Trade Center plane crash in the background correctly aligned with al-Zawahri's proclamation of "Death to America, Merry Christmas to one and all." The al-Karamali family has been unsuccessful in receiving any compensation from the al-Qaida organization.

"He (Jake) did not get it right," said al-Zawahri in his defense. "He made me look like number three, the freaking moron. I will not work with such amateurs. I kill thousands every year. I'm number 2. Death to America and then... Nothing. There will be no forty two virgins for that son of a bitch. Not now, not ever."

The Al-Jazeera proclaimed that the resulting televised video was not the best work and that the camera angle made al-Zawahri look fatter than usual. A message was sent to al-Zawahri to either improve quality or future broadcasts would not aired.

"I was shocked," said al-Zawahri. "They made it known that our work was deteriorating. I did what I had to do to inspire the others to work harder. I beheaded Jake. For the record, I am not fat. I am big boned."

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