Saturday, June 10, 2006

Jason 9

Jason's prom photo

Well, Jason finally goes to hell in this movie, Friday the 13th Part IX: Jason Goes to Hell. And just when you think the movie couldn't get any more confusing or bad, it does. This is definitely the worst movie in the series so far, though the 5 minutes I've watched of Jason in Space gives me hope that the next one is much worse. But at least I'm almost done with this little experiment. Friday the 13th Part IX: Jason Goes to Hell is rated as Unwatchable.

The movie opens with a stereotypical horror movie bimbo entering a cottage at Crystal Lake and taking a shower. The lights go out and she investigates, leading to Jason's appearance. Jason proceeds to chase her through the woods until suddenly a bunch of lights come on and many FBI agents are seen. They end up shooting Jason hundreds of time and then blow him up. His body parts are then taken to a secret FBI lab where a guy who looks like Ossie Davis is the medical examiner. While conducting his research, Jason's heart starts to beat and move around. For some unknown reason, the Ossie Davis look-alike starts eating the heart, which turns him into Jason (at least in a mirror reflection). He ends up killing a bunch of people and leaves the FBI lab.

Apparently, Jason is evil incarnate and it's his heart that holds those evil powers. His body is merely a vessel for evil, which is why this is called Jason Goes to Hell. Yet for some unknown reason, the vessels in these bodies lose their effectiveness pretty quickly so he's constantly having to transfer to a new body. This is done by having his heart come through the mouth of the old body into the new body. Truly ridiculous - more on this later.

The writers of this movie decided to add a supernatural storyline to this series. I'll admit, I was angling for this early in the series. But to add it in Part 9 seems stupid. At this point, the goal should be to not alienate your core audience. And adding this storyline does just that by insulting their intelligence. More on this later. The key plot point is that Jason can only be killed by a blood relative, which means his sister, her daughter, or her granddaughter. Never mind that these people have never been mentioned in any other movie. That's not important.

So Jason goes around killing people in the Crystal Lake area until he kills his sister. Oh yeah, for a permanent body he must transfer into a family member. But he missed his chance to enter his sister's body - why he didn't go to the morgue is never explained. The murders keep occurring until the faceoff with his niece. There's a ridiculous sequence where the heart comes out of his recent body and turns into an alien creature. Ultimately the niece kills Jason, sending him to hell? And then we see Freddy's hand come up from the ground to take Jason's mask. End of a terrible movie.

Once again, this movie is really unwatchable. There is hardly anything to recommend in this movie, which is why I created the new rating. At least the last couple worked on an awful slasher movie level. This one works on no level. Onto the fun stuff:

  • This movie has so many sorta stars it's a little disorienting. I understand these people aren't necessarily household names, but I would not expect them to be in this piece of crap. There's Erin Gray, from Buck Rogers and Silver Spoons fame. The commish dude from 21 Jump Street. The star of the TV show Friday the 13th (which wasn't about Jason). Some dude who ended up being in Desperate Housewives. And the guy who looks alot like Ossie Davis. I hope they all had the same incompetent agent who was fired after they realized they made this movie. Sadly that's probably not the case. They just are that low level that an awful Friday the 13th movie is the best offer they received.
  • The opening scene raises so many questions that I should just ignore them but I can't. At the end of Part VIII, Jason was turned into a little kid after the toxic waste. So how is he now in the same body he was before the toxic waste? And how did he travel back from the NY sewers to Crystal Lake? And why does the FBI woman have to take a shower to lure Jason out? Seems like she would be leaving herself very vunerable. And now, after 20+ years, the FBI is interested in Jason. They didn't bother to get involved after Part VI when Jason was trapped at the bottom of Crystal Lake, but they do now?
  • Why does the Ossie Davis dude eat Jason's heart? Is that common for coroners? There had to have been a better way to advance this awful storyline. And why does he turn into Jason? Better yet, why does his reflection turn into Jason? I could understand if his body turned into Jason or if it stayed the same. But this weird reflection is Jason thing is stupid.
  • I may have heard it wrong (no reason to rewind), but the TV news guy says Jason died in 1946. This just seems to contradict everything else that's happened up to this point. That would mean Jason's mom who did all the killings in Part I was in her late 60s at best. Again, I may have heard it wrong. Otherwise, the writers apparently never saw any of the preceding movies.
  • There are some disturbing undertones in this movie. First, there's the sadomasocist undertones as Jason transfers to a new body by stripping some dude and tying him to a table. There's really no other explanation for it - the easier thing would be to just kill him and transfer the heart. But it raises a new question - is Jason gay? Unfortunately I will not be reviewing the previous movies to explore any subtle hints. I've already paid my dues. The other is this quote from the 21 Jump Street dude. I'm not quite sure what it means but it just really disturbs me - "a little girl in a pink dress sticking a hotdog through a donut". WTF?
  • Apparently the Voorhees house has not been changed in 20+ years. And this is with Jason's sister still living in town. Why she didn't take care of the house after her mom died is beyond me. Usually when a family member dies you take care of the house, give away/sell things, and either move into the house or sell it. Not here. In this case, she decided to just let the house stay untouched.
  • Why does Jason's sister remain in Crystal Lake? Especially after all the killings in the past 20 years. If I had a homicidal serial killer as a sibling I would move as far away from him as possible. And if she lived in town through the first 8 movies, why did Jason never try to kill her before? It's a gamble I understand. On one hand you may need her body. But on the other hand she is one of the only people who could kill you. I'd probably kill her. And then again, how does Jason know he can be killed by her or use her as a permanent vessel? My head hurts.
  • I'm confused. Why does Jason's heart have to be transferred from one vessel to another? If you're going to add this plot device, at least try to justify it. Don't just leave us out to dry. And wouldn't the existing body die during this transfer? There has to be a more intelligent way to transfer bodies. But this movie has very little intelligence or logic.
  • The ending is truly awful and makes no sense. But it's so bad I refuse to discuss it here. But the whole Freddy thing is even worse. Apparently one series bought the rights to the other, so they were planning the whole Freddy vs Jason movie around this time. But it's so ridiculous that the next movie wasn't Freddy vs Jason. I know from a timeline standpoint there's no contradiction, since Jason X takes place in the future in space. But still, this movie implies the next one will have Freddy. And it doesn't. Maybe Freddy vs Jason will explain this in better detail, so I'll hold off until then.
  • Finally, back to alienating your core fans. At this point in the series you have a loyal fanbase that will support any crap you put out. And the movies are not high enough quality to realistically think you'll expand to that many new fans. So the #1 goal should be to satisfy/reward your core fans. But that's the opposite of what they do. By ignoring the previous 8 movies and adding the supernatural angle, they're telling you the last 8 movies were meaningless. Think about it. You've been a loyal fan for 8 movies and then suddenly you're told everything you've seen doesn't matter. Halloween did this with H2O and it's not excusable. And it's not like these movies are complicated or need to be complicated. How hard is it to start off with a teenage Jason who grew up in a foster home in NY city. While at summer camp at Crystal Lake, he realizes his destiny. It still includes the ridiculous ending of Part VIII, but it continues logically. And the rest of the movie is written from there - just a bunch of killings. It might not be good, but it would be better than this crap and would not alienate your hardcore fans.

So, in summary (thank God there's only 2 left):

Terror Sweats

Part III

Part IV


Part II

Part I

Generic Slasher

Part VI

Part VII

Truly Awful


Part V


Part IX

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I heart about such violent films as this, though I have never had military ideas, for the life of me I cannot see why right-thinking people should object to thie idea of our army and navy enforcing the laws of our country. Surely someone who would produce or watch such filth as this cannot complain if right-thinking people put them to death.

No man or woman who would weatch such godless filth can be trusted, and I for one am for a law to take the children away from anyone caught doing it, for they are not worthy of raising the Lord’s most precious gift to mankind, namely, little children.


6/11/2006 09:04:00 AM  
Blogger melanaise said...

I am an american mother. Get off your high horse - Tom is doing movie reviews.

Now, on to my giddy excitement with the review...FREDDY'S HAND...Freddy always had such a cheesy sense of humor. I am interested to see how he interacts with Jason.

But I guess it's space first. I could never watch Freddy because the idea that he kills you while you dream made me scared to sleep. Good premise. Then again, I have no TV right now, so I am relying on you Tom, as a responsible journalist, to just tryyyyy to make it to the freddy one.


6/11/2006 01:12:00 PM  
Blogger Tom G said...

Sadly I have no kids. But when I do I will make sure to allow them to watch whatever movies they want when it is appropriate for them. This is the United States and we have a little thing called the Bill of Rights that allows freedom of expression. One persons filth is another persons art. The Godfather movies are some of the most violent movies ever but are acknowledged as art and some of the best cinema ever. I believe it's up to each person to decide what is appropriate for themselves and their families. No one is forcing you to watch this. Please stay out of my bedroom - if I'm really angering God I'm willing to pay for it when I die.

Some dude who grew up watching cheesy horror movies and is by all indications a very good person.

6/11/2006 04:56:00 PM  
Blogger melanaise said...

I simplu love Tom. Your readers are ruthless. Remember that post where Mike referred to a black man as a black man?

Oh the drama that ensued. I have had the word Nigga at the TOP of my site and the only comment ever was emailed to me the other day by a very nice black man.

I posted his emails as comments because he was so polite and really was trying to decide if he was offended.

You get a bunch of bible thumpin whities jumpin down your throat over horror movies and adjectives.


I am glad you pointed out the bill of rights...I almost forgot they existed....


6/11/2006 10:21:00 PM  
Blogger melanaise said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6/11/2006 10:24:00 PM  
Anonymous GOD said...

Dear American Mother,

The Crapspot has been deemed worthy in the eyes of Jesus, your self-proclaimed personal Lord and Savior.

He says he isn't so sure about you though. He thinks you have that whole "judgey vibe" and it isn't cool in His Book.


6/11/2006 10:25:00 PM  

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