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Monday, June 12, 2006

Jason 10

Jason shrugs off talk of retirement - he may have lost a step or two but he makes up for it will veteran savvy and guile and determination.

I should not even review this movie, it is that awful. There is nothing redeeming in this movie and is definitely the worst Friday the 13th movie and ranks as Unwatchable. For those unaware of my little task, I've been watching, reviewing, and ranking all the Friday the 13th movies. Now it's onto the tenth one, Jason X, where Jason is in space. Thank God I'm almost done.

Basically, this movie is one of those Stargate or Star Trek shows that I can't stand with Jason aboard a ship killing people. You know, the shows with Scott Bakula and MacGuyver. And if you think I'm kidding, waste 90 minutes of your life to find out.

In 2010, Jason was captured but can not be killed. They've apparently tried everything, from hanging to blowing himself up. But some head scientist dude wants to study him for his regenerative abilities. Some chick insists he should be frozen until they know what to do with him. Jason ends up escaping and killing everyone but the chick, who gets him into a cryogenic tank. Jason ends up stabbing her through the metal tank, which makes the whole room turn into a cryogenic tank.

It's now 2455. People visiting the old Earth discover Jason and the chick. They bring them aboard their spaceship and regenerate the chick. As they're running tests on Jason, he comes alive. He then proceeds to start killing everyone aboard the ship. And that's really it. At the end Jason gets pushed into space by some dude who was stabbed earlier. They fall into a lake on Earth 2, where 2 teenagers walk over to see what fell in the lake.

Onto the fun stuff (it was painful to pay enough attention to come up with this):

  • Talk about deciding to forego the previous movie entirely. Really, it's not that difficult to write one of these movies. Basically, place a bunch of horny teenagers in a cabin in Crystal Lake and invent reasons for Jason to kill them. It might not be a good movie, but it would be better than the last 3 movies. Why they messed with that formula is beyond me. But if you're going to do this, please explain how Jason came back to life. Again, you owe it to your diehard fans. The diehards left thinking Jason was sent back to hell. Jason X opens in 2010 with Jason tied up in a miltary complex. Then again, maybe they'll make another movie to explain the 15 missing years. Sadly, I hope not.
  • So there is a top secret military complex in Crystal Lake? I'm assuming this is new or else the US military is considered even more incompetent for allowing Jason to kill all these years in their own backyard. Once again, he was chained to a rock at the bottom of Crystal Lake at the end of Part VI. Why was the FBI never sent to investigate?
  • So Jason's locked in the cryogenic tank and the chick is standing outside, relieved she stopped him. Yet somehow Jason can control physics. For he not only is able to penetrate what I assume is impenetrable metal with a machete but he's also able to make the existing room into a new cryogenic tank. Who knew the big brain on Jason? I say he deserves a Nobel Prize for Physics.
  • OK, we finally understand how Jason is able to absorb such a pounding. Apparently he has an extraordinary regenerative powers. I know, it kind of raises issues with Part VI, VII, and even VIII. But I digress. The real question is why he suddenly looks so normal. Rather, he looks like a 60 year old balding former professional wrestler wearing a hockey mask. Maybe he's just showing his age. Either way, I think it's a bad look. I prefer the spine showing look.
  • Last time I swear. But this dependence in the last 2 movies on killing non-campers is puzzling. At least in Part IX he killed a camper or two. In this one, he kills none. But isn't that the reason for the terror and the reason for his revenge. I understand why he killed the military men and the people aboard the spaceship. But why we needed to watch this in a movie, I can't comprehend.
  • Sex/Relationships in the Year 2455 confuse me. One the one hand, the two pilots are very interested in the frozen chick from 2010. But on the other hand, they have sexy droids that seem to be very loyal to their masters. So which is it - easy or hard to meet someone nice? Then again, if I knew that a princess from the 1600s was going to be around me and 20 co-workers, I would probably flirt with her. Then again, maybe not. It just seems too close to necrophilia.
  • I'm concerned that people in 2455 know Jason Voorhees, only because he did not seem to have much national prominence in the other movies. Sure, the folks in Crystal Lake had heard of him. But they laughed at him as a folk tale. But then 450 years later top scientists are aware of Jason so much they think they can make money off him, ala King Kong. You can't have it both ways.
  • Minor Issue. You have a 500 year old killing machine chasing you in a confined spaceship, what do you worry about? If you're a 2455 space chick, you worry about the pants you lend the 2010 chick are going to rip. That's right - it's all about priorities.
  • So towards the end Jason is blown to pieces. But he happens to be near the regenerative system. Yeah, in the future we will be able to regenerate body parts with some system that spits out a bunch of ant like creatures. Anyway, Jason's head is blown off. Yet when his new body is created, he has a head. I'll give them that one - the machine could guess. But he also has a new and futuristic mask. Two questions. If he had such regenerative powers, why does he need a mask. I mean this both on the ship and on Earth. Really, wouldn't he be able to fix his face so it was at least presentable. It would make him harder to spot when he was killing. Secondly, why does he get a new mask? Wouldn't he get the same mask back? I'm confused.
  • The ending sucks. Apparently in 2455 Jason ends up on Earth 2 and will continue to terrorize horny teenagers. Yeah!!!

Well, it's almost over. All that's left is Freddy vs Jason. Before that, I will try to summarize the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. I've already gone through watching all 7 of those, so I will not be doing that again. But I will do something with Freddy. Maybe I'll compare his movies to Jason's, though there is really no contest. Friday the 13th is hands down a much better series.

Terror Sweats

Part III

Part IV

Horrorific

Part II

Part I

Generic Slasher

Part VI

Part VII

Truly Awful

Part VIII

Part V

Unwatchable

Part IX

Part X

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3 Comments:

Blogger melanaise said...

IS FREDDY NEXT??? I am soooo sorry that I am enjoying your movie reviews so much...I know you are in pain..

I love ya for it though.

6/13/2006 08:46:00 PM  
Blogger Tom G said...

Freddy vs Jason is hopefully in the mailbox when I get home. Seriously, these 10 movies have been Oscar worthy compared to the Nightmare on Elm Street movies.

6/14/2006 12:50:00 PM  
Blogger melanaise said...

LOL, well that makes me feel better, but I watched the making of the costumes for all those movies, and it showed one of his quippy remarks, and I couldn't help but laugh. I mean to say, I laughed, like, was that a real joke? and yet I still laughed.

Kind of like when I watched Paycheck and laughed at Ben Affleck screaming noooooo!!!! in slow motion...It was hilarious. (was supposed to be heart pounding)

6/14/2006 10:42:00 PM  

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