Friday, June 09, 2006

The Hammer Bids Farewell

Tom DeLay has bid farewell to his conservative friends on Capitol Hill amidst fears that he was not corrupt enough. The former house leader resigned his leadership post in January after a Texas grand jury indicted him for alleged campaign finance violations. Since then, more charges of corruption and legal problems have surfaced as well as the connection with Jack Abramoff, fellow super asshole. In true asshole fashion, Delay gave a farewell speech, which lambasted liberals and talked about how awesome he was. Here are some clips:

"I have scraped and clawed for every vote, every amendment, for every word of every bill that I believed in my heart would protect corporations at the expense of human dignity," said the flamboyant former House majority leader. "The corporations and millionaires deserve our utmost support for these are the true Americans. Democrats hate America," proclaimed DeLay.

"I fear I was not corrupt enough. Look at my stomach. Just look at it! I only wear a mere size 48 pants. Surely, I should have eaten more steaks at Jack Abramoff's restaurant. I'm famished. Look at this gold watch. It is only worth $20,000. If I was more corrupt I could have gotten the $30,000 model. Look at this suit. It's not fit for a man like me. A mere peasant could afford this. I need at least a suit worth $15,000. And these shoes. I guess $200 shoes are ok for some people, but not me. I need $300 shoes. And this tie. Don't get me started. I should have gotten the one for $250. This $175 one looks tacky. I'm sure going to miss all those free sports games. No one cheered harder or looked better than me."

"I'm awesome and the Liberals hate that. They hate my awesomeness. They hate my awesome friends and my awesome wife. I'm a spear-thrower baby and I fight hard. In fact I'm hard right now. I get hard when I talk about my awesomeness. Is it hot in here or what? Hammer in the house!"

The Republicans applauded feverishly with each crazy rant. The few Democrats in attendance were the most part quiet except Joe Lieberman who although is a Senator and Democrat was reportedly the loudest clapper in the chamber.

"I think Joe has lost it. There is no doubt in mind that he is a hardcore Republican at heart," stated Steny Hoyer of Maryland. "Anyways, we are going to miss Mr. Pest Control as much as a prostitute misses clamidia."

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