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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Elevator Operator Tired Of Dodging Bullets

The historic Trader Towers has been infested with spies.


Paul Simmons, a 43 year-old elevator operator from Oakbrooke, IL is getting really frustrated with his job at the historic Trader Towers located downtown in the Chicago Loop. Lately, there has been an usual increase in spy activity within the towers, forcing Mr Simmons to constantly dodge bullets. Unfortunately, he can't always avoid all of them.

"When I started, there would be the occasional spy attack and I was ok with that. For the Simmons are known for their elevator operating experience. My father was an elevator operator. As was his dad, or grampy as I called him. And so was grampy's dad. But lately it's gotten out of control. Just yesterday I was grazed by two bullets and had one bullet lodge into my thigh."

Showing his toughness, Paul Simmons refrained from seeking medical treatment. He continued with his shift and worked the remaining 5 hours. "To be honest, I have no other options. If I went to the hospital every time I was hit with a bullet, then I would have to forward my mail there. And who would transport those nice spies to the floors they need to go?"

Some people have suggested that Mr Simmons consider a less dangerous line of work. But Paul just scoffs at those suggestions. "What would I do? Run an auto repair shop? I don't think so. I'm a Simmons. And Simmons operate elevators. For better or worse, that's my lot in life. And God put me on this Earth to transport people in elevators. It wouldn't be fair to God for me to let him down now. Especially after everything those Christian martyrs went through in the past."

Still others have inquired about working for another company, but Paul Simmons thinks that's treasonous. "Would you ask someone who works at McDonalds to work for Burger King? I mean, either you support the Whopper or you support the Big Mac. And there's only one other building that requires elevator operators - the dreaded Lakeside Gardens. After the stunt they pulled in last year's charity softball game, there's no way I'd talk with any of them let alone work with them."

So Paul Simmons is content to keep fighting the good fight at Trader Towers, avoiding the gun shots that ring out constantly. He just hopes that one day soon the spies find a new building to occupy.

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