Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Celebrity Munchie Syndrome: Axl Rose

The good news is that Axl Rose is attempting to tour with a new incarnation of Guns and Roses. The bad news is that Celebrity Munchie Syndrome (CMS) got him into trouble again. Around 8:00am today an intoxicated party hardened Axl Rose bit the leg of a security guard outside a hotel in Stockholm. This is the seventh case of CMS this year up from just eight cases last year.

"He looked hungry," said key witness Paul Sholts. "I saw him pacing around the security guard on all fours, and then he lunged toward him with lightening quick speed. It was like I was watching a cheetah on the National Geographic channel. It was so awesome."

"Rock stars need to eat just like everyone else, especially after a hard night drinking," stated Axl's personal physician, Dr. Lopez. "I told him many times to always bring along a handy snack. I guess he didn't listen to me. My God, I failed."

History is full of many celebrities who have attacked due to the munchies: Mike Tyson, Corey Haim, Tori Spelling, Rush Limbaugh, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Mr. Belvedere, Margaret Thatcher, and Mikey from the Life cereal commercial. In recent years the number of incidents has risen significantly due to the earth's gravitational pull, climate change, the Yankees' baseball record, and shrinking habitats.

"It's out of control," said scientist Cindy Howkuski. "Once it was every 3 years, now it is every 2-3 months. According to my precise calculations, celebrities will soon be attacking hapless victims once every 5 minutes, 4 years from now. We must act quick to avoid an epidemic. We need research grants so that we can create a CMS vaccine."

"That is preposterous," stated Bush scientist Lou Gomez. "Celebrity Munchie Syndrome is just a liberal based myth without any credibility whatsoever. It is just a case of a few bad celebrities who attack because they are hungry. Maybe we should study their feeding habits, but that would involve money and work. I rather watch Seventh Heaven and play some foosball."

In order to educate the public, former president hopeful Al Gore has decided to work on a movie to properly address the issue titled, "An Inconvenient Celebrity."

"I believe that we can win this battle. Celebrities are our friends," stated Al Gore. "We need to feed them a balanced diet of cocaine, coffee, vegetables, fruit, steak, and Crystal. We must setup a wild life preserve in California, home of many famous celebrities. And last but not least, we must stop global warming!"

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Blogger Tom G said...

I have been known to suffer from a similar ailment but unfortunately, I am no celebrity. Then again, pretty soon neither will Axl Rose.

6/27/2006 01:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Borat said...

i just heard that Paris Hilton and possibly Axl are going to be on a special on Vh1 about this band Platinum Weird. i was reading that it was Dave Stewart from the Eurythmics first group in the 70s that never released their album back then, and now they’re doing a special on them.

anyone else heard about this?

6/27/2006 06:54:00 PM  
Blogger melanaise said...

I suffer from it too..hey TOM...go say hi in the comment section of Tuesday shoutout.... :-)

...or else....mwahahahhaa

6/27/2006 07:32:00 PM  
Blogger melanaise said...

okay I got mike...where is the Good Doctor? MAybe I want him in the running for the TGIF award too. *evil grin*

*I love you guys* "screw you guys, I'm goin' home" (Cartman voice)

6/27/2006 10:29:00 PM  

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